A Raptor Fan Experiences TFC

Limbs were flying at my first ever MLS experience, as TFC played host to the New York Red Bulls. (photo: Vancouver Sun)

Now that the rest of the NBA universe is wrapped up in that whole “playoffs” thing, I found myself with a lot of pent up sports energy and a free Saturday afternoon. So I figured it was high time I went and paid a visit to the team that carries the MLSE banner of failure through the summer months: Toronto FC.

And gosh darn it, it was fun.

Sure, the quality of play wasn’t quite at the level of the last live football match I’d seen (Liverpool vs. Arsenal at Anfield), but the weather was beautiful, the view of downtown was great, and the fans were pretty lively. Here’s a summary of things I learned and observed at my first TFC experience:

• Walking around the stadium before the game, I felt really tall.
• There is a hawk that is trained to keep seagulls away from people’s food. Its name is Bitchy. I’m not kidding.
• BMO Field’s two on-tap beer options are Bud and Bud Light. Someone needs to be fired.
• On the bright side, BMO Field features Smoke’s Poutinerie. If that existed at the ACC, I would weigh at least 400 pounds by now.
• When TFC scores, fireworks erupt around the stadium. From this I learned that fireworks inside the ACC with the lights way down are far more impressive than fireworks outside at 3 o’clock in the afternoon.
• Despite the fact that soccer teams typically have a corporate logo on their jerseys, I felt much less bombarded by advertising than I do at the ACC.
• People were throwing toilet paper at New York’s star player, French legend Thierry Henry. This would get you tossed out of an NBA game. I think it’s awesome that there is one situation in which it is socially acceptable to throw toilet paper at a millionaire.
• After tying the game 1-1 late in the second half, TFC imploded and gave up the winning goal with less than two minutes remaining. Heartbreak must be somewhere in MLSE’s mission statement.

In case you’ve been out of touch with the Raptor world, things have been happening. Perhaps the Maple Leafs making the playoffs for the first time in nearly a decade has lit a fire under someone’s behind…who knows?

But in the meantime, do yourself a favour and take in a game at BMO field.

The Toronto Raptors “Bottom Ten” Plays Of 2012-2013

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again. The time to look back, not in anger, but in resigned acceptance of the tattered remains of a franchise that is our beloved Toronto Raptors. So gimme a drumroll, or a slow-clap, or even just a despairing sigh, for the Bottom Ten plays of the 2012-2013 season:

 

2012-2013 Season In Review: Recipe For Failure

Mmmmm….losing.

Got some sporty friends coming over for a special occasion? Want to impress them with your ability to cook up failure, disappointment, and mediocrity? We’ve got you covered.

Chef Colangelo’s tried-and-true recipe should do nicely. First, the ingredients:

(Serves a city of 2.6 million)

• 2 cups of marketing
• 8 lbs of optimism
• 1 tsp or less of talent (optional)
• 1 point guard controversy
• 1-2 talented but over-hyped rookies
• 3 cups of NBA journeymen
• 1 rock (for pounding)
• 2 apologies for poor officiating
• 1 secret ingredient (be sure to overpay grossly for this one)
• A pinch of Primo pasta sauce

Directions:

1. Before cooking, tell your guests how awesome the meal will be.

In the pre-season, word was that the Raptors would be back in the playoffs in April. Last year’s defensive boost, thanks to Coach Casey, was sure to continue. We were a lock for the 8th spot, at least. And with Valanciunas the Lethal Lithuanian on board, this was bound to be a great year.

2. Start slowly. Very slowly.

One of the worst starts in franchise history had people screaming for a total rebuild before Christmas. Word spread around the league that this was a surprisingly bad team. One of my favourite quotes from the early season came from Ben Golliver at The Blazer’s Edge, writing after the 4-18 Raptors had visited (and lost by 18 points to) his hometown Blazers:

The horror stories bubble quickly around the NBA and the word has been out about the Raptors for a few weeks now. It’s never the same until you see it up close though. This wasn’t 2012 Charlotte Bobcats bad or 2011 Washington Wizards bad, but it was worse in a way, because the Raptors seem like genuinely nice and good people who are trying to win, or at least not actively trying to lose.

It’s a beautiful quote because it’s so completely Toronto. We’re the lovable losers. The dinner guests you invite over because you feel bad for them, and they bring you an awful bottle of homemade wine that tastes like tepid grape juice and gives you the runs.

3. After simmering for a while, change ingredients.

In one of the season’s most bittersweet moments, the beloved Jose Calderon was moved, along with Ed Davis, in a three-team deal that brought Rudy Gay to Toronto. Gay appeared to have an immediate impact, pouring in the points and hitting big shots. For the first time since Mookie Wilson, Torontonians had a sports star whose name could be chanted and sound like booing:

But the honeymoon didn’t last long, as folks started to realize that for every big shot he hit, Rudy was hoisting up about a thousand others that would clang off iron. His shooting percentage was shockingly low, and before you could say “buyer’s remorse”, fans were wishing we could go back to the days of a reliable, pass-first, shoddy-defending point guard.

4. Serve sheepishly, but with assurances that dessert will be amazing.

When the chefs at MLSE realized that they’d served Toronto yet another helping of lousy basketball, they were ready with 17 excuses reasons why fans should be ready for some serious contending next year. Seriously. For serious this time. They even made a website and video about it:

But in all honesty, we know what next year will be like. If the chef is the same, the meal will still have the same odd smell, the same mealy texture, the same bitter aftertaste.

The Raptors finish 2012-2013 moving into un-charted territory, even for a club with their sad history: for the first time, the team has seen five straight seasons with no playoffs. The drought has been on for so long that we’ve started to forget what water even looks like.

But don’t worry. Chef Colangelo’s cooking up something great for next year.

Coming Soon: The Raptors “Bottom Ten” Plays of 2012-2013!

Last night’s 17-point loss to the Milwaukee Bucks not only allowed the Bucks to clinch a playoff spot, but it also provided a nice opportunity for me to piggy-back on a terrible Raptors performance by offering you a preview of this year’s “Bottom Ten”.

Critics are already hailing it as the best “Bottom Ten” of all time, calling it “hard to watch”…”painful”…”I threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

Are you ready?

Calderon Returns To Titanic; Plays Role Of Iceberg

It was a great day for welcoming back fan favourite Jose Calderon. After a nice ovation when his name was announced in the starting lineups, and a warm fuzzy video tribute on the big screen, Calderon quickly went to work inflicting a bit of post-partum depression on the Toronto crowd. Here are some awesome things that happened during the game:

1. Someone in the a/v department must have sneezed on the controls, because the song and video that accompanied the Raptors starting lineups intro went all Windows Vista on us.
2. ACC announcer Herbie Kuhn accidentally announced Calderon as getting an assist on a bucket by Alan Anderson.
3. At halftime, Jose accidentally started walking towards the Raptors’ dressing room. (See video above.)
4. A classic Raptor fourth quarter saw the Pistons outscore Toronto 33-19, finishing with 98 points, just two shy of the fans’ coveted pizza.
5. With the loss, the Raptors are officially eliminated from playoff contention.

Nobody does April Fool’s day like the Toronto Raptors.

De nada, Jose.

Up By 10, Lose By 20.

This game started pretty well. The crowd was into it, thanks to the pre-game Amir Johnson bobbleheads. Terrence Ross had a couple nice dunks, and Aaron Gray was safely on the bench. Toronto was leading most of the way, and although Atlanta started to push, the teams were still tied going into the fourth. Then, the Toronto offense turned into this:

Within what seemed like seconds, the wheels had fallen off. Valanciunas threw a pass to nobody. Lowry threw a pass to Gay, who watched as it went through his legs, Buckner-style. And Amir Johnson of bobblehead fame left the game with an injury. Suddenly the Hawks were on their way to a 32-13 run to finish the game.

And while the Raptors’ season continues to spiral down the toilet, the Hawks clinched a playoff spot with tonight’s win.

You’re welcome, Atlanta.

Raptors Review: After Seventy Games

Remember just a short while ago when we thought the Raptors might be able to sneak into the 8th spot? Ah, those were the days. (Photo: blog.benmarkets.com)

Record:  26-44 (3-7 over the past 10)

Low point: Watching a late-game lead turn into another overtime loss, this time against the Lakers, on March 8th.

High point: Alan Anderson tying a team record for most points in a quarter (20) against the Knicks on March 22nd.

Stuff I’ve Noticed:

• Sebastian Telfair looks like Caron Butler’s mini-me.
• On most nights, Rudy Gay’s shooting percentage would make a reasonable batting average.
• Now that we’ve entered the “who cares” part of the season, losses really don’t seem to bother me anymore, and when someone botches an inbounds pass or airballs a three, it’s almost adorable. Like watching a 4-year-old forget his lines in his kindergarten class version of Hamlet.

Memorable Quote:

“I fell asleep in the second quarter and just when I was settling into my dream where I was playing a tight game of chess with a unicorn, I was awoken to Matt Devlin and Jack Armstrong strongly suggesting what a great player Leo Rautins would make in ‘today’s NBA’.”

-Arsenalist of Raptors Republic, following a brutally boring game against the Bobcats on March 15th.

The Pain Of Losing To The Bobcats

 

The Charlotte Bobcats have spent the last two seasons setting a new standard for futility. And yet…they keep beating the Raptors. Charlotte has a measly 23 wins over the past two seasons combined (by way of comparison, Miami has 24 wins in the last 11 weeks). And yet, of Charlotte’s 23 wins, four of them have come against the Raptors.

How does it feel when the worst team in the league has your number? Let’s take a moment to really understand, to really own the pain of losing so frequently to the Bobcats.

• It’s like losing a dance competition to a pile of wet newspapers.
• It’s like trying to outrun a tree, but running face-first into it by accident.
• It’s like your girlfriend dumping you for another girl, not because she’s gay, but because “it’s worth a shot.”
• It’s like losing the Science Fair to Ralph Wiggum.
• It’s like somehow managing to be below dirt on the food chain.
• It’s like being demoted from “guy-who-cleans-the-toilet-with-a-toothbrush” to “guy-who-cleans-the-toothbrush”.

I know, I know. It’s a late-season game that means nothing. We’re playing to develop our younger players. But here’s the thing: it’s a meaningless game for the Bobcats, too. They’re playing to develop talent just like we are. They’re spreading the minutes around, letting bench guys have their late-season auditions. And they’re doing a better job of it too; in last night’s game, Charlotte’s bench outscored Toronto’s bench 54-13.

I won’t even begin to contemplate what it means when the bench of the worst team in the league outscores you that badly.

You’re welcome, Charlotte.

Pummel Me, I’m Irish

Coach Casey drew up some impressive plays, like the one shown here, but the streaking Miami Heat proved too much. (Photo: kooztop5.blogspot.com)

NBA history was made today, and as they’ve done before, the Raptors played the role of red carpet.

The Heat have now won 22 straight games, tying them with the 07-08 Rockets for second longest winning streak ever. To put that in perspective, the Raptors have won 26 games all season.  This one was actually close, tied 77-77 at one point, but the Heat just had to step on the gas a little bit to pour on a 28-6 run and put the game out of reach.

On the bright side, Mo Pete was at the game. And this guy wins the award for Best Ever Use Of Duct Tape.

But this is one of those days where the bright side looks pretty dim. Back in 2007-08, when the Rockets had their 22-game streak, the Raptors, led by Chris Bosh, finished the season at an even 41-41, while the Heat had their worst season ever, with a 15-67 record. A few years later, and here we are. Bosh and the Heat are in the record books, and the Raptors are…enduring another depressing St. Patrick’s day.

You’re welcome, Miami.

Beating The Buzzer: The Landry Fields Way

Mental note: when Landry Fields takes a shot, the safest place to be is inside the basket.