What It’s Like To Watch A Game While Sitting In Front Of The World’s Dumbest Fans.

Posted: February 4, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Let the record show: I have no complaints about the way the Raptors played tonight.


They played defense. They rebounded well. They blocked shots. They scored in the paint. Amir Johnson was a beast, and Calderon piled up the assists. And for the first time this season, Raptors fans in attendance got to take advantage of the “you get free pizza if the Raptors score 100 points or more” deal. Hallelujah.

So instead of criticizing the Raptors, I’d like to tell you about the two morons who sat behind me.

I think there might have been a “World’s Biggest Douchebag” competition somewhere, and the prize for the winner and runner-up was to sit behind me at the Air Canada Centre and make stupid comments all night. Seriously, I’ve never heard people with so little knowledge of basketball speak with such conviction about the game. Here’s a sampling of some of what I heard tonight:

When Linas Kleiza comes into the game: “Hey, is that Bar-ga-nanny? I thought he was injured.”

When a Wizards player gets called for travelling: “C’mon, ref! That’s a flagrant!”

When Calderon misses a three: “Oh, that could have been the dagger.” Note: we were already up by 22 at this point.

Then, in the third quarter, when they were evidently bored with the game, team two-chebag (as I started to call them in my head) started to play GM, dreaming up some awesome trades that they think the Raptors’ management should try to make.

“I’d bundle Bargnani, Davis, and Cole-der-ann together for Chris Paul.” Yeah, I’m sure the Clippers would be cool with that too.

“Kevin Durant would be a good fit.” Yes. MVP’s tend to fit on just about any team.

But the crowning moment had to be at halftime, when the guy next to me, there with his son, handed one of the morons behind us an iPhone, asking him to take a picture for him. After struggling to figure out how to hold the iPhone without his finger over the lens, he finally managed to hold it still for long enough to take a photo…but he pressed the “menu” button, thus switching the phone out of camera mode.

“Sorry dude, it’s not working. It just goes back to this screen.” Congratulations. On a device with ONE BUTTON, you have managed to press the wrong button.

Why is it that people who know the least tend to talk the loudest? Oh well, at least it was entertaining. And hey, I get to type these words: THE RAPTORS WON.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some free pizza to attend to.


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