Tonight being Canadian Forces Night at the ACC, we’re bound to see the Raptors in their beautiful camo uniforms. Intended to honour Canada’s brave men and women, they’re more likely to bring to mind vegetarian diarrhea than bravery. I could go on about how hideous the outfits are, but I’ve done that before. Instead, I’ll take the constructive criticism route, and suggest some other ways the team could pay tribute to Canada’s military.
Option 1: Night Vision
- How it works: All fans and players are provided with night vision goggles. The game is played with the lights out.
- The twist: If a player gets a technical foul, they must play 2 minutes without their goggles.
- Drawbacks: Potential for injury is high.
- Benefits: Potential for hilarity very high. Also, vision enhancement for the referees might encourage better refereeing than the Raptors have seen recently.
Option 2: Landmines
- How it works: The court is randomly rigged at the start of each quarter with low-grade explosives. By low grade, I mean not enough to cause physical injury, just enough to scare the crap out of the player who steps on it.
- The twist: One land mine is filled with pizza. If triggered, the fans get a facefull of what they so desperately cheer for every night.
- Drawbacks: Could lead to lots of turnovers, which the Raptors can ill-afford.
- Benefits: Aaron Gray would finally not be the only guy who looks scared while running down the court.
Option 3: Air Strike
- How it works: At random moments, the ball opens up, dropping five smaller balls onto the court, which are in play for 24 seconds only. Score a basket with one of the smaller balls in those 24 seconds, and it’s worth 10 points.
- The twist: Miss a shot with the smaller ball, and it explodes.
- Drawbacks: Mechanically complex.
- Benefits: With extra balls on the court, Alan Anderson might be able to break the 50-shot attempt mark.
Option 4: March Off!
- How it works: If the score is tied at the end of regulation, overtime becomes a 5-minute drum corps competition.
- The twist: The competition is judged by Paula Abdul.
- Drawbacks: Practising routines would be time-consuming.
- Benefits: Overtime isn’t the Raptors’ strong suit, so they’d be up for trying it.
HAPPY FORCES NIGHT!