Posts Tagged ‘Uniforms’

“But ref, my coach MADE me wear this!” (Photo:

Tonight being Canadian Forces Night at the ACC, we’re bound to see the Raptors in their beautiful camo uniforms. Intended to honour Canada’s brave men and women, they’re more likely to bring to mind vegetarian diarrhea than bravery. I could go on about how hideous the outfits are, but I’ve done that before. Instead, I’ll take the constructive criticism route, and suggest some other ways the team could pay tribute to Canada’s military.

Option 1: Night Vision
  • How it works: All fans and players are provided with night vision goggles. The game is played with the lights out.
  • The twist: If a player gets a technical foul, they must play 2 minutes without their goggles.
  • Drawbacks: Potential for injury is high.
  • Benefits: Potential for hilarity very high. Also, vision enhancement for the referees might encourage better refereeing than the Raptors have seen recently.


Option 2: Landmines
  • How it works: The court is randomly rigged at the start of each quarter with low-grade explosives. By low grade, I mean not enough to cause physical injury, just enough to scare the crap out of the player who steps on it.
  • The twist: One land mine is filled with pizza. If triggered, the fans get a facefull of what they so desperately cheer for every night.
  • Drawbacks: Could lead to lots of turnovers, which the Raptors can ill-afford.
  • Benefits: Aaron Gray would finally not be the only guy who looks scared while running down the court.


Option 3: Air Strike
  • How it works: At random moments, the ball opens up, dropping five smaller balls onto the court, which are in play for 24 seconds only. Score a basket with one of the smaller balls in those 24 seconds, and it’s worth 10 points.
  • The twist: Miss a shot with the smaller ball, and it explodes.
  • Drawbacks: Mechanically complex.
  • Benefits: With extra balls on the court, Alan Anderson might be able to break the 50-shot attempt mark.


Option 4: March Off!
  • How it works: If the score is tied at the end of regulation, overtime becomes a 5-minute drum corps competition.
  • The twist: The competition is judged by Paula Abdul.
  • Drawbacks: Practising routines would be time-consuming.
  • Benefits: Overtime isn’t the Raptors’ strong suit, so they’d be up for trying it.




Time For A Name Change?

Posted: December 10, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,
Is it time to ditch our ball-dribbling, neck-craning, and (for some reason) red-skinned Raptor for something else?

Is it time to ditch our ball-dribbling, neck-craning, and (for some reason) red-skinned Raptor for something else?

Santa has barely started tuning up his sleigh, and already the Toronto Raptors’ playoff hopes are gone for another year. In a season that started with plenty of optimism, with terms like “accelerated rebuild” being tossed around, the wheels seem to have come off surprisingly fast. The defence has disappeared, we’re challenging Washington for dead last, and fans and analysts are struggling to determine exactly where we go from here. A number of solutions have been floated, but none seem to satisfy.

Fire Dwane Casey? Give Colangelo the boot? Trade Bargnani?

Nah…none of those things will have a lasting effect. I say we go for a total re-brand. If the New Orleans Hornets can seriously consider a name like the Pelicans, surely we can at least entertain the idea of finding a new identity. It’s been suggested before, and hey…it’s not like the team could get any worse.

So without further ado, here are some humble suggestions for MLSE’s consideration:

Option 1: The Toronto Beavers

Photo: National Post

A hard-working animal that doesn’t get the credit it deserves. This name was in the running back when the NBA expanded to Toronto, and it’s worth a second look.

Benefits: Beavers are cuter than Raptors, and less extinct. Fans would be known as “Dam-nation”. Lots of opportunity for crass jokes.

Option 2: The Toronto Tankhouse


Let’s take corporate sponsorship to the next level. For those who don’t know, Tankhouse is an ale brewed locally by the Mill Street brewing company. It’s delicious.

Benefits: Alliteration in team names is always catchy. Mill Street’s business would go through the roof, which would be great news for a small local business. Plus, we could give the ACC the appropriate nickname “the house that tank built”.

Option 3: The Fightin’ Isaac


In honour of the 200th anniversary of Canada’s beat-down of the USA in the war of 1812, how about a nod to Major-General Isaac Brock, also known as “the hero of Upper Canada”?

Benefits: The fact that Brock died in action would send a powerful message about the kind of effort our team needs to give on the court every night. Plus, the mascot would get to wear a nifty jacket.

Option 4: The Toronto Raccoons


This might be the best option of them all. They’re cute, they’re local, and with a bit of skilled photoshopping, we wouldn’t even need a new logo.

Benefits: Might be the perfect symbol of a team that survives off the garbage of others. Like our basketball team, they don’t get a lot of respect. But anyone who’s gotten too close knows that you don’t mess with a raccoon. Our players could learn something from the craftiness and industriousness of this under-appreciated species.

Got any other ideas? My mind is as open as a player Jose Calderon’s supposed to be guarding. Email us at, or leave your suggestions in the comments.