Calderon Returns To Titanic; Plays Role Of Iceberg

It was a great day for welcoming back fan favourite Jose Calderon. After a nice ovation when his name was announced in the starting lineups, and a warm fuzzy video tribute on the big screen, Calderon quickly went to work inflicting a bit of post-partum depression on the Toronto crowd. Here are some awesome things that happened during the game:

1. Someone in the a/v department must have sneezed on the controls, because the song and video that accompanied the Raptors starting lineups intro went all Windows Vista on us.
2. ACC announcer Herbie Kuhn accidentally announced Calderon as getting an assist on a bucket by Alan Anderson.
3. At halftime, Jose accidentally started walking towards the Raptors’ dressing room. (See video above.)
4. A classic Raptor fourth quarter saw the Pistons outscore Toronto 33-19, finishing with 98 points, just two shy of the fans’ coveted pizza.
5. With the loss, the Raptors are officially eliminated from playoff contention.

Nobody does April Fool’s day like the Toronto Raptors.

De nada, Jose.

Up By 10, Lose By 20.

This game started pretty well. The crowd was into it, thanks to the pre-game Amir Johnson bobbleheads. Terrence Ross had a couple nice dunks, and Aaron Gray was safely on the bench. Toronto was leading most of the way, and although Atlanta started to push, the teams were still tied going into the fourth. Then, the Toronto offense turned into this:

Within what seemed like seconds, the wheels had fallen off. Valanciunas threw a pass to nobody. Lowry threw a pass to Gay, who watched as it went through his legs, Buckner-style. And Amir Johnson of bobblehead fame left the game with an injury. Suddenly the Hawks were on their way to a 32-13 run to finish the game.

And while the Raptors’ season continues to spiral down the toilet, the Hawks clinched a playoff spot with tonight’s win.

You’re welcome, Atlanta.

Raptors Lose Lead, Dignity To Warriors

Recently, coach Casey’s defensive call-to-arms, “pound the rock” has become less evocative of hard-nosed defense, and more evocative of a Raptor fan bashing his head against a rock out of frustration.

For the second straight game, Toronto gave up 120+ points, leading many people who follow the team to reach for the remote, as the chances of playoffs at the ACC become more and more distant. And to add to the hilarity, the Raptors were up 6 at the end of the third…and then, 42 of Golden State’s 125 points came in the fourth quarter. Pound the rock indeed.

You’re welcome, Golden State.

Raptors vs. Celtics: A Haiku Review

It was your standard Raptors game; solid first half, up ten after three quarters, questionable coaching, late-game implosion, another close loss. Rapception. The highlights, in case you need them:

 

This has happened so many times, that it’s becoming difficult for me to find new ways to post my thoughts on the Raptors’ 2012-2013 bumblings. So in the interest of keeping things fresh around here, I offer you a series of haikus inspired by tonight’s game.

Bargnani is back.
It seems coming off the bench
Suits him much better.

I think that Garnett
And the rapper DMX
Are long-lost brothers.

Nothing in the world
Will wreck your offensive flow
Quite like John Lucas.

Dear coach Dwayne Casey:
Why is Alan Anderson
Playing in the fourth?

Did we really think
That acquiring Rudy Gay
Would mean the 8th seed?

You’re welcome, Boston.

Kyrie Eleison

For those of you who are a bit rusty on your ancient Greek, “Kyrie Eleison” translates roughly to “Lord, have mercy”.

And for those of you who missed the last 12 seconds of tonight’s game, Cleveland’s Kyrie Irving did not have mercy on the Raptors. He finished with 32 points, the last three of which sank the Raptors with 0.7 seconds left. Suddenly, DeRozan’s game-winning buzzer-beater two days ago seems like a distant memory. Here it is:

Now let’s all take a moment to appreciate the irony that, dressed in their army fatigues, the Raptors provided virtually no defence against the final shot.

You’re welome, Cleveland.

Rapception Strikes In Philadelphia

Double-digit lead. Lost it in the final minutes. Yes, you have seen this happen before.

And it seems that other people are catching on to the phenomenon of “Rapception”. Take a listen to the commentators in the video below. “What quarter is it? Okay, holler at me when we get to the fourth.”

 

This time, it was the defence (or lack thereof) that let the Raptors down. Coach Casey expressed his frustration beautifully, describing the Raptors getting back on defence as more of a “home-run trot” than a hustle.

You’re welcome, Philadelphia.

The Raptors’ Halloween Opening Nightmare

Things were going great, until the 4th quarter hit the Raptors like…well, like this.

 

It was a promising start.

The new faces were contributing, Calderon was playing great off the bench, and the Dance Pack did a passable rendition of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” before distributing candy to the impressively large opening-night crowd at the ACC.

Then came the closing minutes of the fourth quarter, and the 10-point lead the Raptors had built just moments earlier began to collapse like a home-made robot costume in the rain.

As I watched Bargnani’s last-second shot fall 30 feet short, and the buzzer sounded on a 90-88 Indiana victory, my mind started to wander. I started to imagine what the players on the 2012-2013 Raptor squad might have dressed up as for Halloween. Here are my conclusions.

Suggested Halloween Costumes for the 2012-2013 Raptors:

Player	Costume	Reason
Kyle Lowry	Damon Stoudamire, circa 1996	Small, feisty, exciting. Made the Raptors backcourt fun to watch.
DeMar Derozan	Hurricane Sandy	Expected to be a big deal for Toronto, ends up being extremely underwhelming.
Jonas Valanciunas	A Tim Horton’s coffee	Double-double. Quickly beloved in Canada.
Landry Fields	A Tim Horton’s donut	Matches his number of points.
Amir Johnson	Rambo	Shoots far too much.
Aaron Gray	The James Bond villain ‘Jaws’	He just kinda looks like him.
Andrea Bargnani	Roberto Alomar	A tribute to the 1992 Blue Jays. And I really want to hear him say “catch the taste”.

 

In the end, it was fitting that this game was played on Halloween. No matter how much the organization has been hyping the improvements to the team, dressing them up as playoff contenders, it’s nice to know that underneath the disguise, they’re still our lovable Raptors, able to throw a game away in the dying minutes, and send the visiting team home with a nice Halloween treat.

You’re welcome, Indiana.

And That, Ladies And Gentlemen, Is How You End A Win Streak

The only way tonight's 4th quarter could have looked any uglier is if you had watched it through a puffy eye. Like this one.

The Raptors’ season-high 3-game win streak ended this evening in spectacular, mind-numbing, face-palming fashion.

The Cavaliers, who stunk up the court by shooting 30% and managing only 51 points through three quarters, were allowed to walk away with the win after the home team disintegrated in the fourth.

It was vintage Craptor basketball: Bargnani going inexplicably cold, DeRozan fading into the background, Aaron Gray accumulating sweat and fouls with stunning proficiency. At the final buzzer, the damage in the fourth was astounding: a 33-17 final quarter in favour of the Cavaliers, translating into a 4-point loss that should have been a 4th straight Raptor win.

The Cavaliers looked almost as shocked as the fans. You can’t blame them. They must have been wondering how they were winning a game in which they were called for over-and-back twice in the same period. A game they played without their coach, who showed up, mouthed off to the ref, and was ejected just minutes into the second quarter. A game they played without their star rookie, Kyrie Irving. They’re probably on the bus back to Cleveland right now, looking at each other with furrowed brows, saying, “you saw that too, right?”

You’re welcome, Cleveland.

Camouflage Uniforms Seem To Work: Raptors Disappear In Fourth Quarter

You can almost see it on Jose's face: are you REALLY going to make me wear this in public?

In honour of Canada’s Armed Forces, this evening the Raptors wore uniforms that resembled a spinach smoothie army fatigues. Which is appropriate, because I’m sure that by the end of this one, all those poor members of the army were pretty fatigued by the home team’s performance. Honestly, you’d think that a more fitting tribute to our brave military men and women would be to shoot better.

As they often do, things started out pretty well; Derrick Rose wasn’t playing, the Raps built a lead at halftime…aaaaaand then the Bulls outscored the Raptors 32-13 in the fourth. Good old RAPCEPTION. It never fails.

Oh well, I guess it was a good test for the Bulls. After all, if Rose goes down in the playoffs, they need to be confident that they can win without him. And now, thanks to us, they know they can.

You’re welcome, Chicago.

Raptors Find Pot Of Bricks At The End Of The Rainbow

 

Bottom o’ the barrel Top o’ the mornin’ to ye!

So the Charlotte Bobcats,  a team that has difficulty beating anyone, and probably couldn’t beat an Irishman in a sobriety test, has now beat the Raptors TWICE this season. The most recent occurrence was yesterday, St. Patrick’s day, when the Raptors (surprise!) let a big lead slip away in the third quarter, thanks in large part to beautiful shots like the one shown above.

You’re welcome, Charlotte.