Trade Deadline 2013: Some Suggestions

If Colangelo is serious about saving his job, he’ll do two things: pull off a big deadline trade, and buy a suit like this one. (Photo: dustinscafe.blogspot.com)

At last year’s trade deadline, there wasn’t much happening in Raptorville. Sure, they traded Barbosa, but I’m pretty sure nobody noticed. Barbosa included.

This year’s a different story. The Raptors’ season has been a bit like watching “Titanic” in reverse; a god-awful beginning full of death and hopelessness, followed by some hot action and serious excitement.

And now, on the heels of the Rudy Gay trade, a modest but legit win streak, and the crowning of Terrence Ross as the new NBA Dunk Champion, word is that a big trade before this week’s deadline might set this team up for some real success next year. And in case Mr. Colangelo gets cold feet and can’t figure out what moves to make, here is my list of suggestions:

Trade Suggestion #1: Andrea Bargnani for the Pillsbury Doughboy

Strong work ethic, lots of experience, and a snappy dresser. What more could we want? (Photo:ramblings.fram.blogspot.com)

Both these guys are in need of a change of scenery. Bargnani has long since worn out his welcome in Toronto, while the Doughboy has been at it since 1965, and could use a new gig. Beyond that, they have lots of similarities:

• Pasty white? Check.
• Arms that lack muscle definition? Check
• Experience as celebrity food endorsement guy? Check.
• Notoriously soft? Check mate.

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Trade Suggestion #2: Aaron Gray for Rob Ford

Mayor Ford would be willing to sacrifice his body for the team. (Photo: imgur.com)

If you’re going to have a big lumbering oaf on your team, it might as well be somebody who’ll give you a few good soundbites in post-game interviews. Ford would be a force to reckon with up front. He’s determined, he’s got confidence, and as you can see above, he’s far more graceful than Aaron Gray.

And I think Gray would work out pretty well as mayor, too. He’s likeable, he’s got a great smile, and he just wants a chance to be a meaningful part of a team.

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Trade Suggestion #3: Linas Kleiza for An Old Boot (or best offer).

Adding an old boot to the roster would really free up some bench space for the Raptors. (Photo: 16xx8.com)

Anyone? Please?

You can even keep the laces.

Anyone?

The Five Best Things About DeRozan’s Dunk-of-the-Year On Mozgov

 

The dunk is beautiful of course, but watch it a few times to appreciate the following:

1. Alan Anderson (top of the screen) dances back on defence.
2. Coach Casey is obviously upset that no foul was called.
3. Quincy Acy gives the old “scuze me while I hump the sky”.
4. Aaron Gray stays seated for a second, before realizing what just happened.
5. Bargnani (bottom of the screen) just looks lonely throughout the whole play.

On Booing Bargnani

How could anyone boo this guy? He just wants a hug. (Photo: nationalpost.com)

You’re packed on a crowded, sweaty rush-hour bus, going home after a long, difficult, frustrating day at work. The guy next to you is talking loudly and obnoxiously on his phone. The toddler behind you is screaming at his mother for no apparent reason. Suddenly, the driver comes over the intercom and announces that the bus will be short-turning, and everyone has to get off. You wonder weather strangling the bus driver might be considered justifiable homicide. Has this every happened to you?

Hold that thought.

Last night, after weeks out of the lineup, Andrea Bargnani was checked into the game to a chorus of boos from the crowd at the ACC. I was at the game, and I have to say it was a bit embarrassing. Bargnani’s been a perennial punching bag for people in this city over the years (and I’m as guilty as anyone) but I wasn’t about to boo him on his first day back.

In the 24 hours since Bargnani’s return, the little corner of the internet where Raptor fans hang out has been filled with debate about whether or not it was “right” for fans to boo. The Toronto Star’s Cathal Kelly had this to say:

Fans who care don’t take pleasure in booing their own players. They may occasionally lose it late in a bad game, or as a reaction to lazy play…But they don’t ambush a guy in home colours for the sin of showing up to work. They don’t take pleasure in embarrassing the team in front of the competition. Maybe this is what losing has turned this town into. We’re the dog that bites every hand. Whatever it is, it’s bad form. If the goal is to encourage the team to be better, it’s the equivalent of slapping a kid to get him to quit crying.

I completely agree with Kelly, and I hope some of the boo-birds in attendance read his article. But while I don’t agree with the booing, I understand.

Think of the poor bus driver who gets everyone’s frustration dumped on him because his supervisor called him and told him to short-turn the bus. It’s not his fault that the bus is abandoning you. It’s not his fault that you had a bad day at work. In fact, the bus driver is probably having pretty lousy day of his own.

Fans at the ACC were booing because the people who need to hear the boos are never there to receive them. They were booing because the past 5 years have been a long, sweaty, crowded bus ride. I’m not saying it was right, but I understand.

I hope Bargnani didn’t take it personally. I hope he realizes that he just happened to be a convenient target for the frustrations of people who don’t have time to express their dissatisfaction in other ways. As for the fans, I hope that if they having something to say, they’ll make sure that the right people end up under the bus.

Sorry, Bargs.

Raptors vs. Celtics: A Haiku Review

It was your standard Raptors game; solid first half, up ten after three quarters, questionable coaching, late-game implosion, another close loss. Rapception. The highlights, in case you need them:

 

This has happened so many times, that it’s becoming difficult for me to find new ways to post my thoughts on the Raptors’ 2012-2013 bumblings. So in the interest of keeping things fresh around here, I offer you a series of haikus inspired by tonight’s game.

Bargnani is back.
It seems coming off the bench
Suits him much better.

I think that Garnett
And the rapper DMX
Are long-lost brothers.

Nothing in the world
Will wreck your offensive flow
Quite like John Lucas.

Dear coach Dwayne Casey:
Why is Alan Anderson
Playing in the fourth?

Did we really think
That acquiring Rudy Gay
Would mean the 8th seed?

You’re welcome, Boston.

Everybody’s Good At Something…

(cartoonstock.com)

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the midway point of the season. A variety of publications have released their “mid-term report cards” on the Raptors, which kind of made me feel bad for the Raps. A lot of them weren’t exactly the type of reports you’d want to put up on the fridge.

I know, I know, I spend a lot of time making fun of the Raptors. But like that parent who just can’t see how ugly and stupid their kid is, I’m an eternal optimist with this team. They’re all…special…in their own way.

So below is a summary of the grades dished out by the teachers at TSN and The National Post, with a special bonus from me. Because everyone’s good at something. Right?

Player	TSN says…	The National Post says…	Yeah, but…
Quincy Acy	C- “Has to cut down on blown defensive assignments.”	C “Has been a willing learner.”	Beard-growing: A+
Alan Anderson	B+ “Game-altering performances.”	B “It is difficult to get past Anderson’s accuracy from the field.”	Alliteration: A+
Andrea Bargnani	D- “His laconic play has finally soured the front office on him.”	F “Ineffective offensively and regressed defensively.”	Looking slick in a suit: A+
Jose Calderon	A “His leadership has been invaluable.”	B- “Struggled badly in his 15 games as Kyle Lowry’s backup.”	Ability to grow 5-o’clock shadow before noon: A+
Ed Davis	A “A revelation.”	B+ “A revelation.”	Being a revelation: A+
DeMar DeRozan	C+ “His play has fallen off dramatically.”	C+ “His defense remains a mystifying negative.”	Having capital letters in his name: A+
Landry Fields	C “His jumpshot has remained horrendous.”	C- “Still digging out of an early-season hole.”	Bearing an uncanny resemblance to Drake: A+
Aaron Gray	C- “Rebounding, his one great strength, has been missing all year.”	D+ “Has not been of much use.”	Looking confused: A+
Amir Johnson	A- “Still struggles to guard his position one-on-one.”	B+ “Johnson’s ceiling is limited, but he has maximized his ability.”	Hairstyle choices: A+
Linas Kleiza	D “Cannot replicate (or even approximate) his international effectiveness.”	D “Has been totally ineffective.”	Being one of two Lithuanians I can name: A+
Kyle Lowry	C “Biggest disappointment of the season so far.”	C “Lowry’s play has varied wildly.”	Making me nervous in close games: A+
John Lucas III	C- “Doesn’t offer enough elsewhere to offset his lack of scoring.”	C- “Started off the year on a tremendous cold streak.”	Being more famous than John Lucas I or II: A+
Mickael Pietrus	D+ “Doesn’t have it in him to contribute to an NBA team like he used to.”	C- “Terrible offensively.”	Keeping knee doctors in business: A+
Terrence Ross	C+ “He needs to shoot much better and learn to pass more often.”	C “Flashes of brilliance to go along with complete no-shows.”	Potential to be the third Raptor to lose a dunk contest: A+
Jonas Valanciunas	C+ “Fouls far too much.”	C “Perhaps the Raptors’ worst defensive player.”	Looking absolutely nothing like his bobble-head doll: A+
Dwayne Casey	N/A	C “Has relied a little too much on his veterans.”	Having gone from coaching a championship team to the Raptors without killing himself: A+

Andrea Bargnani: The ShamWow of the NBA

Watching the Raptors over the past month, two things are becoming clear:

1. Bargnani’s got to go.
2. Nobody wants Bargnani.

As you can see, thing number one is complicated somewhat by thing number two. But not to worry! The fine people at RaptorsHQ have come to the rescue, with the most hilarious video of 2013 so far:

Special limited time offer! Act now!

…please? Act now? Anyone?

Raptors Review: After Thirty Games

Over the holidays, the ghost of failures past visited Demar DeRozan to teach him the true meaning of Christmas. (Photo: bleacherreport.com)

Record:  10-20 (6-4 over the past 10)

Low point: December 10th vs. Portland: 5th straight loss. 11th straight road loss.  Bargnani and Lowry get hurt. Amir Johnson gets ejected. Portland sets an NBA record by going 0-for-20 from three-point land, but still wins by 18. 

High point: Bargnani and Lowry getting injured, allowing the rest of the guys to play like a team and win 5 games in a row for the first time since 1844.

Stuff I’ve Noticed:

• Valanciunas has got hustle. He’s more energetic in warm-ups than most players are in the actual game.
• Calderon’s bald spot is now visible from the upper bowl.
• Once he’s no longer needed as Jonas’ translator, Linas Kleiza has got to go.

Memorable Quote:

“There’s been some slippage, clearly.”

-GM Bryan Colangelo exhibits interesting word choice while analyzing Toronto’s defensive focus.

‘Tis The Night Before Christmas…

Photo: fivechan.org

‘Tis the night before Christmas, and all through T.O.,
Not a commentator is stirring, not even Matt and Leo.
The Raptors have won five consecutive games,
With a lineup of youngsters, subs, and no-names.

The players are nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of playoffs dance in their heads.
But management can’t sleep. They’re not even yawny;
They’re trying to figure out what to do with Bargnani.

In the blogosphere there has arisen such a clatter,
And Colangelo knows it’s a delicate matter;
Do we trade Jose? But he’s playing so well,
He and the young guys are starting to gel…

And what about Lowry? Do we really need him back?
Is he our next Mighty Mouse? Or just our next Jarrett Jack?
And then there’s John Lucas, the infamous shot-taker,
Who hoists ’em up now and asks questions later.

One thing’s for sure: as the new year approaches,
Raptorland looks to its management and coaches
To make good decisions. To rid us of fear.
To give us a reason to stand up and cheer.

The players are certainly doing their part;
It’s hard to find fault with their effort or heart.
Jonas puts heart into each shot he takes,
No matter the cost, or how many fingers he breaks.

Lanky Ed Davis is making great strides,
And Ross makes us cheer when he takes to the skies.
Amir’s got our logo on the back of his cranium,
And Linas…well, he’s our second-best Lithuanian.

So as MLSE takes a brief Christmas break,
And tries to decide which moves it should make,
Perhaps what we need isn’t just a new player…
…what did Toronto do when displeased with its mayor?

Merry Christmas, Raptor fans!

Raptors Review: After Twenty Games

Coach Casey’s mother always warned him that if he accepted a job coaching the Raptors, his face might get stuck this way. (Photo: Chris Humphreys, USA Today Sports)

Record: 4-16 (1-9 over the past 10)

Low point: Back-to-back 1-point losses against weak teams. (Bobcats and Pistons.)

High point: Welcoming aboard Mickael Pietrus. No disrespect to Dominic McGuire, but that hole at small forward was big enough to drive an Oliver Miller through.

Stuff I’ve Noticed:

• A fun drinking game for designated drivers: take a drink every time Andrea Bargnani appears remotely interested in the game. You will be stone-cold sober.
• Speaking of Bargnani, I think Dwane Casey might have sold his soul to Bargs in exchange for guaranteeing him playing time down the stretch, regardless of how he’s playing.
• If the Spurs can be fined $250 000 for “doing the fans a disservice” by sitting their best players and putting a sub-par team on the court, the Raptors owe the league, by my count, approximately $86 trillion in back payments.

Memorable Quote:

“We’ve got to make basketball plays.”

-Coach Casey after a blown lead in Philadelphia

Embarrassing Things Come In Threes

Yes, I have used this image before. But that’s because it’s the best image ever.

If you’ve missed the last three games, you’ve missed a hat-trick of suck from our hometown Raptors. So, if you’ve had better things to do, like just say, cleaning out the lint trap in your dryer, or if all your Torontonian sports energy has been devoted to a week of Grey Cup hoopla, here’s what you missed in Raptorland:

1. A one-point loss to the Bobcats on Wednesday. The painful part was the way the refs handed Charlotte the win. The NBA admitted that the officials missed a foul call in the dying seconds that would have given the Raptors a trip to the line. They were careful to add, however, that expecting anyone to watch a Raptors-Bobcats game that closely is asking a lot, so we need to cut the refs some slack.

2. A one-point loss to the Pistons on Friday. Embarrassing because the Pistons are just as bad as the Raptors. Detroit managed to befoul the free-throw line in this one, hitting an ugly 57% from the stripe, but they still managed to win.

3. A double-OT loss to the Spurs today. This is heartbreakingly, mind-achingly, classic Raptors. Nobody expected them to even keep this game close. They manage to take it to overtime, giving fans just a glimmer of hope, before falling back to earth like so many Amir Johnson 3-point attempts. In keeping with the theme of threes, here are three embarrassing things to note about today’s game:

• On this play, Tim Duncan collected the 2500th block of his career, good for 9th all-time. Yet another example of Toronto playing the role of red carpet to the league’s elite.
• On this play, Manu Ginobili became an early contender for play-of-the-year, putting the ball through Derozan’s legs before going coast-to-coast for an and-1 layup.
• Andrea “The Franchise” Bargnani shot a miserable 2-19. Reports from the ACC cleaning staff indicate that the stench of Bargnani’s shooting will take several days to clean.

So what do the next three games hold?

I don’t know. But I’m tired, and the lint trap in my dryer needs cleaning.